I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
