The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
