I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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