Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
