if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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