he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
