Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
