So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
