I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
