Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
