The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
