Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
