If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
