you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
