Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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