I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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