Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
