That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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