We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
