I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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