normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
