I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
