Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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