3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You ruined the universe
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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