when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize