watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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