Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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