I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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