My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
