im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
