I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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