I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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