peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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