He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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