I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
