Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
