I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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