Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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