Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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