this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
