Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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