I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
