when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
