my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
