so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
