i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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