My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
