U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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