I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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