Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
