I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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