My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize