I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize