Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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