I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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