Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
