i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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