I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
