Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
