so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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